i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
