Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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