I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
