I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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