the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
