my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
