when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
