It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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