Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
