I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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