You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
