So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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