people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
