1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
