The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
