Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
