I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
