She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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