Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
