Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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