I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
