How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You left your phone here
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