Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
