let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
