You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
