I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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