the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
