There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
