My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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