yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
