If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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