there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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