I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
