whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
do herpes really smell.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
