mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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