my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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