Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i think i scared a bird with my dick
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
