I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
