party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
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