U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
