once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
