Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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