you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
