I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
