I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
