If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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