If i come over, it means nothing
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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