You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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