I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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