So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
